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01 May 2010 @ 04:54 pm
walking away isn't the same as running  

This is completely raw and un-beta'd. I tried editing on my own, but you guys, I just have so many issues with this episode and what's happening to Lexie in general. I'm still working out how Lexie/Mark fit into all of this.

takes place during the last episode, in between Mark giving the baby away and Lexie's odd, little speech to Alex.



She catches a slight glimpse of him from behind Callie, her breathing rehearsed so as not to alert anyone to her whereabouts. She presses flat against the wall as Callie sighs and steps towards him and she crumbles as she watches Mark hand the baby over to a pair of strangers.

Lexie hates that she can’t even be there for him. Hell, she can’t even watch from the wings. She has to watch the people watching from the wings on the off chance that maybe she’ll piece together any new developments. Callie’s hand squeezes Mark’s and Lexie blinks back tears, just more casualties in this battle she didn’t even realize she’d been fighting.

Of course, Meredith would have to find her out. It’s just like her.

Her sister’s frowning at her, elbows bent as she leans across the empty counter top of the nurse’s station and Lexie lets out the breath she’s been holding for entirely too long now.

Meredith watches her like she knows her. Sometimes, Lexie suspects she really does.

"What are you doing?" she asks simply, concern lining her eyes.

Lexie chuckles slightly, because it’s funny really, how much Meredith reminds her of Molly, with that same hard-eyed stare and unfaltering, hidden compassion.

She shrugs. "I was just going home," she remarks.

Meredith’s eyes roll. "Mmhmm," she replies knowingly.

Lexie scoffs. "Oh come on," she insists, head turning back to the hallway that leads to where Mark is. "It’s just sad. That’s all. It’s just...really sad."

Meredith nods. "I know. But that doesn’t answer my question."

"I already answered your question." She holds tight to her lies. They’re all she has left.

Meredith sighs tiredly. "Bailey had a few interesting things to tell me."

Lexie laughs. "I’m sure she did," she mutters.

"You can’t do this," Meredith argues.

Lexie shakes her head. "Let it go."

"No," Meredith insists firmly. "You’re my sister and I’m not going to let you do this."

"I’m not hurting anyone," Lexie snaps. "I was just making sure...I’m not hurting him. I’m not hurting anyone."

Meredith pauses. "You’re hurting yourself," she says softly.

Lexie doesn’t bother to hide her surprise, eyes blinking back in shock. "I...what?"

"You’re punishing yourself," Meredith remarks. "I get it now. The whole thing with Alex. You’re letting him treat you like crap, because you really think you deserve to be treated that way. You’re punishing yourself for what happened with Mark."

Her mouth parts slightly, her eyes drifting downward to the floor. It’s a funny feeling, to have someone put into words the one thing you’ve been keeping from yourself all along.

She offers her sister a weak smile. "It’s late," she decides.

Meredith crosses her arms. "Lexie."

"Look, I get what you’re trying to do here and it’s great that you’ve got everything so figured out," Lexie starts. "But I don’t and I don’t need you telling me what I should and shouldn’t be doing.

Her eyes squeeze tight as she leaves her sister, pinching back tears as best as she can. It’s funny, she thinks, that whenever Meredith reaches out to her, she pulls away.

She doesn’t recall changing.

There’s a laundry list full of regrets rolling through her mind as she turns the corner. She’ll have to apologize to her sister. She’ll have to apologize to her for all sorts of things.

Her body crumbles to the ground as the weight of her sister’s words surge through her. She gasps loudly, attempting to fight against the pain stabbing at her.

Meredith’s arms are around her before she can stop her. She sobs loudly on the floor, her nails digging into her sister’s back.

In the morning, she’ll climb out of Alex’s bed and go to work. She’ll pass Mark and Teddy in the hall without so much as a word. She’ll do her job and go back home to Alex and a cold beer and convince herself that this is how she’s moving on. Meredith will never say a word, just watch her from time to time.

In the morning, nothing will be different.

But for right now, she lets herself choke on her regrets.


Current Mood: creativecreative
Lizlizzy29 on May 1st, 2010 09:56 pm (UTC)
That was amazing but heatbreaking at the same time.
Courtney: bar room ghosts - grey's anatomyhelen_halliwell on May 2nd, 2010 02:36 am (UTC)
Thank you :)
Sophie: +he forgot about me: lexiesophiehsophie on May 2nd, 2010 02:10 pm (UTC)
I loved it. I agree, amazing, but heartbreaking. It's just so sad. I think both Mark and Lexie are doing a craptastic job of moving on because really...they're not moving on at all.
Courtney: i never asked to be nobody's nothinghelen_halliwell on May 2nd, 2010 02:39 pm (UTC)
I can only hope their lack of moving on signifies that they'll get back together soon :)

Thanks for reading!
violet1979violet1979 on May 3rd, 2010 07:02 pm (UTC)
So sad, and so true. Great Lexie/Meredith interaction, I love that dialogue. And you give a very interesting insight into the Alex/Lexie relationship, which seems to be a lot about punishing Mark, and - I agree - punishing herself.

(I hope that Alex's new crush on her may finally force her to acknowledge that she still loves Mark.)
Courtney: grey's anatomy - stock - lexiehelen_halliwell on May 4th, 2010 12:00 am (UTC)
Thank you! So glad you liked it!

I'm glad I'm not the only one who picked up on Alex's little crush on Lexie. It's definitely going to do something to her, and like you, I'm hoping it involves Mark :)