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14 February 2010 @ 02:41 pm
where's the sense in that  
where's  the sense in that
i know you think that  i shouldn't still love you or tell you that...
kate/sawyer - season 5 - takes place when sawyer is helping kate save young ben.
He laughs at her willingness to carry young Ben and though she should be insulted, she’s just humored, because he’s always had this way with her. He’s like a kid with her in that sense, a boy you can’t help but laugh at when you know you should be punishing him instead. The worst part is, he knows what he can do to her, and that puts them on very dangerous ground indeed.

Next he’s talking about kids and their parents and the demons that she knows still tug at him, and she can’t help herself.

"Is that why you asked me to take care of your daughter?" Her eyes are honest and prying and the way he answers her will determine exactly where she fits into his new life. She’s desperate and she’s put on a convincing act, but it’s just them, alone in the jungle, with a dying Ben, and it may be her last chance alone with him.

"Did you?" he asks as he lowers Ben to the ground. His voice is thick with curiosity and he’s looking at her like he’s trying to figure out how to repay her.

Her voice trembles. "Of course I did," she says heavily, because to be truthful, she’d have done anything he asked, and it’s imperative that he knows this. "Go ahead and tip his head back," she orders, dropping some water into Ben’s mouth, switching back into leader-mode, remembering her whole motivation for taking this trip.

Sawyer does as he’s told. "What was she like?"

He’s dying and she has the power to kill him right then and there. She could too, only she doesn’t because she understands and even though she has no reason to, she sympathizes.


"Yeah, Clementine," Sawyer says, and she catches the smile her name brings to his lips.

"Oh she’s beautiful," she grins, remembering the young blonde girl with her all too familiar smirk. "Looks just like you when she smiles. She’s growing up fast. Already has a little attitude."

They both exchange grins as if they’re in on the same secret. (A secret they’d always been in on, she tells herself.)
Sawyer rolls his eyes, slipping back into the reality of the situation. "I bet you and Cassidy had a lot to talk about."
She hates those words. If she could shove them back in his face, she would, really she would. She doesn’t like to belong to the James Sawyer club, one of the many in a long line of girls who fell for him and received nothing more than a broken heart to nurse back to health. Then there’s Juliet all quiet composure and sharp instincts and Kate feels nauseated all over again.

She could tell him the truth now. She ought to tell him how Cassidy helped her before and how she was already the closest thing she had to a friend in the world, but she doesn’t want to be compared to the girl, looked at in past tense rather than in present. Because she’s right here standing in front of him and there’s nothing fake about that.

"She had an interesting theory on why you jumped off the chopper," she finally decides on, fighting fire with fire. She turns back to Ben, feigning loss of interest in their conversation.

Sawyer looks amused, looks like he did when he used to call her Freckles and they would drink and be reckless and play I Never, bound by their flaws and the guilt that haunted them.

"Yeah? What’s that?" Sawyer’s now stepping over her, trying to get Ben to drink some water and Kate’s left forgotten behind him. She’s ready now, ready to tell him that he can go play house with Juliet, because she’s done with this all too familiar dance and game. She has nothing left to lose and he does and she’s letting him go, because she tired of loving people who can’t love her back.

"She thought you were worried about what would happen if you didn’t." The words are ambiguous, yet he gets the message loudly and clearly, same as he always does with her. She can’t be cryptic around him, even if she tries. They know each other too well and they know exactly what buttons to press and how to uproot the other’s world.

"You and me would have never worked out Kate. I wasn’t any more fit to be your boyfriend than I am to be that little girl’s father."

Just like that the world slants to the side and she’s feeling dizzy and disoriented and Cassidy’s laughing at her, a fat, old, I told you so plastered to her amused face and Kate remembers that she’s locked into a nightmare she’s not yet found a way to escape.

She wants to tell him about Aaron, to scream at him that god damn it she had a life too– she had a life and she gave it all up and left the only person she cared about behind to save him, but he’s already packed his eyes away and besides, they’re back to Kate and Sawyer. Freckles and James don’t exist anymore, no matter how many times they may make guest appearances in this new, unfamiliar life.

"You seem to be doing alright with Juliet," she retorts and though it’s true, it hurts him a little, she knows, because he’s a damn hypocrite and she can see right through him, same as always. Whatever happened to tigers and stripes? She wants to ask him, but she refrains, mostly because she can’t bring him back to his senses, so really there’s no point in trying.

There’s some bullshit about growing up and she almost yawns at this after school special of his, because one day, she knows, he’ll have to wake up and accept that he’s lying to everyone, and as always, she’s already got him figured out. She’s wants to joke about this, to tell him that she promises not to say she knew all along that he’d wake up and wonder who he’d become, but there’s anger underneath this new relationship they have, anger she can’t quite understand.

He’s angry at her and she knows this helps him cope with her being back.

Maybe she’s growing too, because she lets him have his misplaced anger. She lets him have his ridiculously dumb illusion of home and love with Juliet. She lets him have this empty shell of a life and she lets him pretend it has meaning.

She lets him because she can’t rip away the wool that’s been pulled over him.

Kate can’t let herself be the one to wake him up. She can’t.

Current Mood: indescribableindescribable